How to Forgive When You Have Been Wronged
“There have been times when each and every one of us has needed to forgive. There have also been times when each and every one of us has needed to be forgiven. And there will be many times again”. –Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu
Has someone wounded or wronged you and is asking for forgiveness? Do you carry hurt that feels irreparable and want to heal? Does forgiving feel like giving into injustice?
Nobel laureate Desmond Tutu and his daughter, Mpho Tutu, wrote a book that guides us through the steps from hurt to forgiveness. The Book of Forgiving. The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World takes us towards forgiveness in four stages. The fourfold path is not easy. As we journey through it, we experience anger, hatred, grief, loss, pain, and vulnerability before we reach acceptance and heal our hearts.
Why choose forgiveness?
We have all caused hurt and have had to ask for forgiveness, formally or informally. We have wronged others in small and big ways. ‘The boundary line between those who have caused harm and those who have been harmed is not clear’’, write Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu. In one moment, we are the ones who have been hurt, and in the next, we cross the line and hurt the other.
In Born to Be Good, Dacher Keltner shows that humans are born to look after each other and resolve conflict. We are born with the capacity to empathise and forgive. Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), developed by Richard Schwartz, is based on the premise that we are all born with an inner resource called the Self, which can’t be damaged no matter what trauma we experience. The Self holds our goodness or most valuable qualities, such as connectedness, creativity and compassion. If we were not essentially good, we would not be hurt or appalled when we hurt each other.
Revenge and retaliation do not quieten our hearts. They don’t satisfy us. They don’t diminish or take away the hurt we feel. Forgiveness helps us return to wholeness, love, kindness and trust.
The Fourfold Path
- Tell your story
The first part of the fourfold path to forgiveness is telling your story. You cannot forgive if you stay silent or in shame. Start with the facts and tell what was taken from you. Whatever has happened to you cannot be changed or undone. Tell your story truthfully. You will feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Remind yourself that this challenging process will give you freedom and hope.You may need to tell your story many times over a long period of time. At first, most stories are not told chronologically, from start to finish. You may find yourself assembling the pieces one at a time. You will need to tell your story as long as it has a hold on you. Take as long as you need to make sense and create meaning.
- Name the hurt
When you want to move towards forgiveness and healing, you must face the real injury: the hurt, shame, abuse and demeaning behaviour. Our physical, emotional or social dignity is offended when someone wrongs us. We are left feeling sadness, pain, anger, vulnerability and shame.Go back to your story and notice what you felt. No feeling is wrong, bad, or invalid. You may need to name your hurts many times until they no longer have a strong hold over you. As you go through the healing process of the fourfold path, your understanding will deepen, and your story will change. Honour your process and the stages you go through on this healing journey.
Once you have found a way to tell your story and name the hurt, tell it to someone who will listen to you with compassion and empathy, such as a friend, a family member, or a therapist. ‘When we tell the truth about our hurt and our loss, we lessen the power it has over us’, the Tutus remind us.
Telling the story to the perpetrator. Sometimes, we can tell the story to the person who hurt us. We need to tell the story mindfully and remember that if the perpetrator feels attacked, they may be unable to acknowledge the hurt they have caused. We should not tell our story to retaliate or diminish the other. Instead, we want to tell them our story by letting them know how and why they were important to us. Show empathy towards them, if possible. Recognising our shared humanity reminds us that we are all capable of hurting each other.
If sharing the story directly with the perpetrator is not possible, write them a letter. You may never send it, and they may never read it, but it doesn’t prevent healing. Healing will continue if you share your pain with someone who will not judge or shame you.
- Granting forgiveness
Forgiveness is a choice. We can choose to forgive or not to forgive. Our ability to forgive stems from the recognition that we are all flawed. We have the capacity to wrong others, the capacity to choose poorly, the capacity for evil. The fourfold path model encourages forgiveness as we grow through forgiving. We move from victim to hero in our story.We should grant forgiveness when we accept that what has happened cannot be changed. When we choose to forgive, we free ourselves from bitterness, regain control of our happiness and find peace. Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu write, ‘We don’t forgive to help the other person. We don’t forgive for others. We forgive for ourselves. Forgiveness… is the best form of self-interest.’
Forgiveness doesn’t depend on the actions of others. Forgiveness is easier if the person who hurt us expresses remorse or helps us heal. However, when we forgive for our own sake unconditionally, we are not tied to the perpetrator’s willingness or unwillingness to repair or take responsibility. In the fourfold path, forgiveness is a grace.
- Renewing or releasing the relationship
In the last step on the fourfold path, you either renew or release the relationship with the perpetrator. By renewing or releasing a relationship, you free yourself from victimhood and trauma.You may want to ask for something from the perpetrator to renew or release the relationship. You may need an apology, an explanation, a tangible object, or never to see that person again. When you renew a relationship, it is stronger for what you have been through, but it is always different. You have healed from past hurts, and the ties you build are new. It is not a patched-up old relationship. Without healing, we cannot build a new, solid relationship with the person who injured us.
You may realise that you will not get what you are asking for. The perpetrator may be unable to acknowledge the hurt because of ignorance, pain, brokenness, or the choice not to think. Ignoring our shared humanity does not absolve them of their responsibility. It may be a reason you choose not to renew the relationship.
The preference is always to renew unless there is a question of safety. We must do everything in our power not to let the perpetrator harm us again. If there is a risk that it is likely, we should not renew the relationship.
The path to forgiveness takes time
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting or minimising the injury and its impact on the relationship. When we forgive, our story changes as well. The new story is a story of growth, healing and grace.
Once the painful feelings no longer have a strong hold on us and we accept that what happened can’t be changed, we may be able to see past our own pain, and the wounds that the perpetrator carries. We start seeing our shared humanity and common bonds between us. We can also see the perpetrator as wounded when we admit our own woundedness.
You can read more about forgiveness, including forgiveness stories, on the Forgiveness Project website.
In the next part, I will describe the process of asking for forgiveness or forgiving ourselves. You can read it here.
Matleena Vanhanen is a psychologist at the MapleTree Psychotherapy Center in Barsha Heights, Dubai. To make an appointment please visit on www.tmtcdubai.com.
