How to Ask for Forgiveness
In our own ways, we are all broken. Out of our brokenness, we hurt others. Forgiveness is the journey we take toward healing the broken parts. It is how we become whole again.
– Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu
In The Book of Forgiving, South African Nobel laureate and archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter, Mpho Tutu, guide us through the steps from hurt to forgiveness and from hurt to asking for forgiveness. Both journeys have four stages. Both paths are challenging. Both paths can lead to acceptance and healing.
We often cause the deepest wounds to the people who most matter to us. Our dearest ones get hurt when we wrong them because they love us.
Have you wounded someone and want to ask for forgiveness? Are you struggling to forgive yourself whether or not you have been forgiven by the person you hurt?
Asking for forgiveness
- Admitting the wrong
Admitting the wrong is the first step in taking responsibility for hurting another person. By expressing genuine remorse and making an honest confession, we begin to relieve the suffering we have caused.Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu remind us that ‘Often the fear of telling the person what we have done is much greater than the reaction we will get from actually admitting the wrong.’ When we admit we have done wrong, it is easier for those we have hurt to forgive us. Forgiveness is not guaranteed; we cannot move towards wholeness and freedom without admitting a wrong.
Start by stating the facts. Tell what you have done, whether it be stealing, lying, or breaking promises or agreements. Be ready to answer any questions the hurt person may ask truthfully and transparently. Don’t say things to shield yourself or your victim from more pain.
This step is often very hard for the perpetrator. In Gottman Method couples therapy, this first stage of affair recovery is called atonement. Don Cole and Carrie Cole describe the challenges of this step when writing, ‘The betrayer’s task is to be open and honest, and answer the betrayed partner’s questions in a truthful, forthright manner. It is very important the details of the affair not be glossed over or minimized, otherwise, this fragile relationship will suffer another blow when more details surface at a later date.‘
When answering your victim’s questions, if you don’t know or remember, state that. If you’re not sure, say so. Don’t justify yourself or excuse your actions. You must take full responsibility for your actions, whether intended or unintended. ‘If someone is hurting because of us, whether we’ve intended that hurt or not, we must do whatever we can to make it right’, we are reminded in The Fourfold Path.
Before you take responsibility for your actions and admit the wrong to the person you hurt, it helps to first share it with a friend, a family member, or someone you trust and feel safe with. You will need support during this process and deserve to be supported as you do your best to make amends.
- Witnessing the anguish and apologising
Witnessing the anguish we have caused requires humility. This step is important in forgiving as it helps the hurt person heal and allows the relationship to heal. As perpetrators, we need to hear the victim’s story and how much we hurt them.As you listen to the story of the person you wounded, do not argue or challenge them. Listen with compassion and acknowledge that you have caused harm. Answer any questions openly and truthfully. Do not give any excuses, justifications, or mitigating factors, even if you disagree with their story.
After listening to the hurt person’s story, you must offer a genuine apology. Saying ‘I am sorry’ is an important step, and you may need to repeat it many times. ‘We may need to utter those magical words many times before they are heard and felt. We may have to say them many times before they are believed. What is important is that we are courageous enough to say them, vulnerable enough to mean them, and humble enough to repeat them as many times as necessary’, remind Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu. This step will require patience and inner strength.
In her book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, Linda MacDonald reminds us that when we have wronged, we must spend more time supporting the wounded person than recriminating ourselves. We should not allow our self-pity or guilt to distract us. MacDonald writes, ‘Healthy guilt needs to be about the awfulness of the deed, not about how bad the betrayer feels about him/herself. Unhealthy guilt becomes about the betrayer…’ We should put our energy into healing the pain of the person we have hurt rather than punishing ourselves.
If you cannot apologise directly to the person you wounded, you can write a letter or, for example, write your apology on Joe Apology, an anonymous apology website.
- Asking for forgiveness
The Tutus write, ‘Asking for forgiveness is the highest form of accountability…When we ask for forgiveness, we ask for permission to begin again.’ You ask for forgiveness by expressing remorse and offering an apology. Acknowledge the harm you have done and explain how you will not hurt the victim again.
You may not be forgiven. The relationship may not be renewed. Don’t pursue forgiveness if the victim doesn’t want to forgive you. Accept their decision with humility. They may or may not forgive you in the future. You will need to respect their decision now and in the future.If the victim is open to it, do your best to make amends. Ask them what you can do to make things right. Try to give back what you have taken, though this is often not possible. Don’t skip this step. As love is action, not words, trust is built through behaviour. Commit to taking action, whether it is tangible, such as paying back what you have taken, or more symbolic, such as agreeing to work on your unresolved trauma.
If you are not granted forgiveness and given a chance to make amends, you can still move on. If you have taken responsibility for your actions and witnessed the anguish, you can liberate yourself from your past sins and indiscretions. ‘If you have honestly tried and failed in your request for forgiveness, then you have fulfilled your part’, write Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu.
- Renewing of releasing the relationship
The renewing of a relationship is the preferred option on the fourfold path. It doesn’t mean that what we have done is forgotten. It doesn’t mean the pain we caused the other is not remembered. Instead, we get an opportunity to learn from our mistakes and create a new story with the person we hurt.Sometimes, the relationship can’t be renewed. We have caused too much damage. No one should be forced into a relationship. If the victim chooses to release the relationship, honour their decision. You can move on and live knowing that you did the right thing by admitting the wrong, witnessing the pain of the person you hurt, and apologising. You can now live your life free of the past. You have a new opportunity to live your life well.
Forgiving ourselves
Often, the more challenging question is not about forgiving others, not even asking for forgiveness, but forgiving ourselves. Can we forgive ourselves for the hurt we have caused others and heal our hearts? Remember:
No one is undeserving of forgiveness. That includes you.
Nothing is unforgivable. You are not beyond redemption.
Whatever was broken or lost in us can be repaired and found again when we tell the story of what happened. The more skilled we become at telling our stories, the hard ones and the happy ones, the more we can help others grow in their humanity. If we hide our stories, we are stuck in our shame, fear and silence. We remain at the mercy of pain.
You are good
You are a good person. It may be hard to hear and believe that, at your core, you are good, no matter what you have done. You may have acted in ways that have hurt someone you love deeply. Your behaviour is not who you are. The pain and remorse you feel are a sign that you are a good person with good values. You let yourself down and now feel healthy guilt for your behaviour. From now on, make sure your behaviour aligns with your values.
You can read about the path to forgiving someone who hurt you in the first part of this article, which you can find here.
Matleena Vanhanen is a psychologist at the MapleTree Psychotherapy Center in Barsha Heights, Dubai. To make an appointment please visit on www.tmtcdubai.com.
