The authoritative parenting style is an approach that combines warmth, sensitivity, and the setting of limits. Children raised by authoritative parents are more likely to become independent, self-reliant, socially accepted, academically successful, and well-behaved. Here are a few points for reflection:
Techniques
HAVE EXPECTATIONS – without being rigid and unforgiving
- Express your expectations so that your child will have an easier time following rules and a clearer understanding of how to behave.
- Be firm and kind when disciplining.
- Non-punitive discipline promotes honesty and prevents aggression. Thus, replace punitive methods to discipline with something that makes sense for your child and helps them learn and grow from it.
SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES – with love
- Be consistent when planning and implementing boundaries.
- Identify values behind the boundaries to help you keep perspective on the intention for the boundaries.
- Try using a contract or written agreement that outlines what the boundaries are and what the consequences will be if broken.
- Adopt a process of change and evaluation that allows you to implement a boundary and determine a check in time to discuss with your child how it has been going and what the next step should be.
BE REASONABLE – about rules and obedience
- Have clear household rules to ensure your child knows expectations ahead of time and can explain the reasons behind these rules.
- E.g.: replace “Go to sleep because I said so,” with “Go to sleep so you can help your body and your brain grow.”
- When your child understands the underlying safety, health, moral, or social reasons behind your rules, they will be more likely to follow the rules, even without your help.
COMMUNICATE – by focusing on emotions versus words
- When you focus on the emotions behind your child’s words and behaviors, your communication will resonate with your child. E.g.: when your child is struggling, you might say, “Sounds like you are feeling hurt right now. Is that correct?”
- Giving your child positive attention helps prevent behavioral problems.
TEACH DECISION MAKING – avoid telling your child what to do
- Providing options helps your child feel empowered and able to make life decisions.
- E.g.: “Do you want peas or corn?” or “Do you want to clean your room before or after dinner?” The key is to make sure you can live with either choice.
TEACH RESPONSIBILITY – so your child can think about consequences
- Help your child see that they made a bad choice, but they are not a bad person.
- Create consequences that will help your child improve for the future. Take away a privilege and focus on teaching better emotion or conflict management skills.
- Make consequences time sensitive. Instead of saying, “You can have your tablet back when I can trust you again,” try, “You can use your tablet again when you show me that you’re responsible by getting your homework done every day this week.”
VALIDATE EMOTIONS – before correcting behavior
- Help your child label their emotions and teach them to recognize how feelings affect behavior.
- Validate emotions by saying, “I know you are really sad right now,” versus minimizing their feelings with, “It’s no big deal,” or “Stop crying. There’s no reason to get upset.”
- Tell your child it’s OK to feel angry, but there will be consequences for unsafe behaviors. Thus, invest your energy into teaching them acceptable ways to deal with feelings.
MAINTAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP – with your child
- Children do as you do, not as you say. Model the behaviors you want them to have.
- Be warm and loving and show affection.
- Set aside a few minutes every day to give your child your undivided attention—even on the days when they behave badly. Spending quality time together will help your child feel loved and accepted, which is key to helping them feel confident about who they are and what they are capable of accomplishing.
How to get started with authoritative parenting
Reflect on where you might be inconsistent in your enforcement of rules: From there, you can work on reliably applying rules you have already articulated. Then, spell out new, and higher, expectations for your children as they age.
Learn what kind of nurturing your child requires: Some children need connection and snuggles time when they feel stressed, while others need to be alone to recharge. Teach your child emotional regulation by helping your child build a feelings vocabulary.
Avoid getting bogged down with the tiny details of daily life: When adults hear that they should aim to be structured in their approach to parenting, they sometimes worry that they need to have rules for everything. In truth, it’s okay to have strict rules about some things, such as crossing the street with care, and lax guidelines about other things, like keeping the bedroom dresser organized. But enforce your priority rules uniformly. It’s crucial to focus on developmentally appropriate expectations for children.
Finally: Be gentle with yourself. Parenting is hard and messy work! Mistakes, setbacks, and confronting your own problems are all part of the process. The single most important parenting tool is your love for your child.
