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Mixed agenda couples
Discernment counseling is an approach that helps mixed agenda couples. These couples are considering separation or divorce but are unsure if that is the best option for them.
Discernment counseling is an effective way of helping couples where one partner is unsure they want to continue the relationship; that is, they are leaning out of the relationship. The other partner may also be leaning out, or they may be interested in continuing and rebuilding the relationship. They are the leaning in partner.
Relationship ambivalence
Suppose you or you or your partner are ambivalent about the future of your relationship. In that case, discernment counseling gives you a chance to slow down and look at your options for your relationship and your future. During the process, you also get an opportunity to reflect on what has brought you to this tough spot.
During the discernment counseling sessions, your therapist will help you decide whether to try to rebuild your relationship, move toward separation or divorce, or take a time out and decide later.
Clarity and confidence about the future
The goal of discernment counseling is to give you clarity and confidence about the direction of your relationship based on a deeper understanding of your relational dynamics and the possibilities of the relationship in the future.
You will not be working toward solving your relational problems during the sessions. Instead, the goal is to find out if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your relationship at the moment.
Your therapist will not try and convince you to stay together. They will respect your reasons for ending the relationship while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the relationship to health. Additionally, your therapist will not judge you for your actions or struggles within the relationship. The sessions will be a safe place to discuss your role in the relationship. The discernment process is non-judgemental and geared toward better clarity and understanding.
Your personal contributions
During discernment counseling sessions, you will be encouraged to think about what your personal contributions to the problems in your relationship are and how you can help solve these problems. You will reflect on how your actions – or inaction – have impacted your partner’s experience of being in a relationship with you and the overall relational dynamic. This knowledge about how you turn up in a relationship will be helpful in future relationships, even if this one ends. You don’t want to repeat the same mistakes in a new relationship.
Session Format
You will come in as a couple, but the most important work occurs in the one-to-one conversations with your therapist. You are starting in different places, and there are more effective ways to address the situation than joint discussions.
Number of Sessions:
A maximum of five sessions. The first session is up to 120 minutes and the subsequent sessions are 80 minutes.
Session Format
You will come in as a couple, but the most important work occurs in the one-to-one conversations with your therapist. You are starting in different places, and there are more effective ways to address the situation than joint discussions.
Number of Sessions:
A maximum of five sessions. The first session is up to 120 minutes and the subsequent sessions are 80 minutes.
What’s next?
During the discernment process, you and your partner will identify your positions, which most often are:
- Reconciliation
- Divorce/separation, or
- Maintain status quo.
At that time, the therapist will help you to identify the next steps in your journey. Typical options include mediation for divorce, traditional couples therapy for reconciliation, or individual therapy to help navigate some of the problems you identified within the discernment process. Your therapist will be better able to guide you on the next steps once discernment counseling is complete.
Discernment counseling is not suitable when:
You, or your partner, have already made a final decision to end the relationship. You should not use the discernment counseling as a breakup session, help your partner “adjust to the idea”, or convince them to end the relationship.
You are coercing your partner to participate in discernment counseling to convince them to continue the relationship – or your partner is pressuring you to attend. Discernment counseling is only suited for couples who come in voluntarily. There is no bullying, threats or force in healthy relationships.
There is a danger of domestic violence. If you are afraid of your partner, seek individual help. If you don’t know who to turn to, consult your GP or contact one of the therapists at our clinic.